just cry

After teaching irritably for half hour, I told the girls I needed a minute break because I was frustrated and needed to calm down. Math was the subject, and they just weren't getting it!! 

The teacher's expectations went unmet and the students were the victim of her frustration. 

Thankfully I realized I expected them to have prior knowledge and they unapologetically admitted it was new information and they just didn't know how! I changed my approach, consequently my emotions aligned and the day proceeded smoothly.

lesson: When frustration knocks at the door, look for the hidden unmet expectation and do something different!

cry fest

After spending a week in Rwanda with me, Kelly Uphoff asked me, 'What's wrong with you'? Thanks, Kelly.

It's simply humane to cry when you hear devastating stories of genocide victims straight from their mouths. I am yet to cry. Does this mean I'm inhumane? I hope not. Early this morning I contemplated my 'not yet' cry fest and was disturbed. The last 24 hours, something inside me wanted to come unleashed: my tough side. Some say this is a good thing because it'll help the ladies be more vigilant in their studies. I challenge my girls and at times come down too hard on them with my expectations. I just want SO MUCH MORE for them, but this desire sometimes is without constraint.

Mamas, you know when your kid is being way tooo soft, so you feel you must compensate for their softness by being tougher or stronger? Or when you know someone wants your pity, so you do the extreme opposite just so they don't get what they want, or like Leigh Anne Tuohy in Blindside; each time she was doleful, she'd quickly leave the room, refusing to unveil her softness or 'weakness'.

WHAT is that?

In reflection this morning, I realized my 'tough side' is many times my defense mechanism. The past 8 years, I functioned in emotionally intense environments; my involvement with at-risk youth and their broken families and working with a team of women as we helped other women coming out of drug/alcohol addiction. Somewhere during that journey, my mind learned to effectively function with the tough side, especially when they shared 'stories' about their past. Truthfully it was difficult to decipher honesty from tale. This side of me was extremely helpful given the context, but I failed to realize that simultaneously, my heart labored in building an unhealthy hard-shelled wall. I don't think it's a thick wall, but it shows face when I least expect it. I tell myself, 'there's no time to sit here and allow emotions to take over because if you do, nobody else will pick up the pieces and move people along, so move on. We have work to do'. Yes, there is a time to work, a time to move on, and certainly a time to just CRY. Hopefully I will share in this moment before leaving this land.
I am in no way saying toughness or being strong is negative. Women, especially, have to exhibit these qualities in order to make way in this world today, but we must be careful that fear isn't the impetus for exhibiting these qualities. Anything propelled by the wrong kind of fear may not be worth doing.

"clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility, and patience" is something I read this morning. You know when you read something like that, Testing already left its house and is on its way to yours! I apologized to the girls for displaying my frustration the day before and they graciously let me off the hook. One left the room and I knew things weren't ok. She cried, expressing her disappointment in herself. Here in Rwanda, (locally pronounced 'Ronda') most levels of education are not free or cheap. For these ladies, getting into OpenADoor (OAD) is a glimmer of hope- to receive fine education SO THAT they can return to their homeland and help further develop their nation. In the heart of a Rwandese is a deeply embedded patriotic spirit. In that moment, I had a choice: be tough or simply console her. I was quickened by my morning reading, so thankfully I chose compassion.

Funny moments
A white lady came to check into the guesthouse where most of the staff do not speak English. I was sitting close by, overhearing their conversation. She asked if there was an available room. He shook his head and responded, "No, it's ok, it's no problem". Confused, she asked again and received the same response. At this point, I let it go on because I'm amused knowing what he means to say. She starts to walk away when I intervene. "What he means to say is YES, there's room and you can stay". Many times head shaking with a verbal response means 'Yes'. If you've spent time overseas, you know this head shaking and that no means yes. yes means yes, or sometimes no.

"Have you breast?", were the words Bosco uttered. In relative shock, I repeated this question twice just to make sure I understood what he was saying, emphasizing the word, 'breast'. He agreed both times. I was in dismay and wanted to respond, 'Yes, I have 2' until it dawned on me; here they pronounce 'L' as 'R', so what he meant to say was 'were you blessed?' My goodness, glad I didn't answer that direct question.



A very recent nytimes article on His excellency, Paul Kagame.
http://www.nytimes.com/2013/09/08/magazine/paul-kagame-rwanda.html?hp