NAIJA MEN 1

I managed to write about all things but men in the past year, and deliberately so.  This topic deserves an entire book dedicated to it, so maybe this can serve as the beginning chapter. Naija is the nickname for Nigeria or its people. ‘Naija men’, a title given to dudes who hail from Nigeria that also elicits several varied responses and convoluted emotions, particularly from women. I hear phrases like:

Naija men no dey change o

All of them are the same

Naija men are very persistent; when you tell them NO, they hear ‘try harder’ thinking I’m playing hard to get

Where do I start with my experiences with naija men? They are extremely stylish, witty, charming and just make a lady wanna laugh with their comments. My mind is chalked full of memories of pick up lines, pursuits, endless waves of phone calls, persistence, persistence, hustlers, gentlemen, persistence, charmers, persistence, sweet talkers, and ‘by-force’ guys. When they see women with attractive features, whether in desirable height, shape or pure beauty, they go coocoo, and they ain’t afraid to make that known. The axiomatic truth is that Naija men give their hearts away all too quickly and easily. It’s unfathomable for me to conceive of seeing someone without having spoken a word to him, and just knowing that he’s very ok for me, even to the point of discussing marriage right there in all seriousness, but such is their case, proven time and again.

Just the other day I’m walking down the street obviously looking like I’m on mission to get somewhere and a man stops me.

Man: Excuse me, please I don’t mean to disturb you. Frances already knows where this is going. You can tell by that hazy look in their eyes. I am coming from Abuja and our car broke down. Thankfully we had a friend in Asaba, so we brought the car here and they’re repairing it now. I don’t know anyone in this town and just wanting to make a new friend, so can I have your number so I can be calling you and know that I have a friend here.

Me: But you just said you had a friend here and now you’re saying you know no one.. but that isn’t what came out of my mouth. But sir, clearly you see I don’t have your time because I already know you and I wont work at all. I’m not in the least bit attracted to you, you’re not my kinda guy. I don’t just give out my number and you’re definitely not getting it from me because you’ll be calling calling trying to cajole me into having something to do with you and then I’ll be avoiding your calls which will make you even more persistent, and I just cannot handle that annoyance. I really don’t wanna be having this conversation right now, so if you would excuse me while I jolly on. But I didn’t say that. Instead- Sir, I don’t give out my number and actually have somewhere to be right now.

Man: I won’t be disturbing you, just call every once in a while to say hi.

Me: You know, my guy doesn’t like me giving out my number anyhow.

I have tried different ways to dissuade them, and this line has worked 30% in the past (though a small lie), but then again you get the ensuing line..

Man: Well are you married? If I had someone like you in the house I wouldn’t let her leave the house or out of my sight. What’s your guy waiting for?

Me: (inner thought-Yeah!!! Good question. Then it dawns on me that I’m the one telling them ‘no’). Well, thank you for the compliment, but I am not interested.

Man: Ok, I respect that. Thank you

Sometimes the 'my guy wont like this' response is followed by, 'well you can still have a friend, there's nothing wrong with that. We allllll know friendship aint what you want, alright so just back off dude.

This episode ended on a good note. He only persisted twice after the No(s) and thanked me. Confounded by the typical male female relational dynamic in this land, I’ve questioned how to respectfully say no to onlookers and chasers, and maneuvered my way out of unsolicited pursuits. To dodge a naija dude takes mastery, and it is as if I’m making my way in obtaining my black belt in this art. Some have literally begged and to them I simply want to say ‘shame on you. Why would you make yourself so low that you’re nearly on your knees b.e.g.g.i.n.g. just for my number. Please stop. This is embarrassing for you’. I mean…seriously?!?!

More to come on this men series. Plenty more, I tell you.

the people, the problem

Yesterday I was at a fast food joint with a friend, Dr. Dickson, a well-educated Nigerian-Brit. Our intent for meeting was to catch up and discuss some of his projects but we spent most of our time deliberating Nigerian affairs. We hit on oil pipes vandalism, shared sentiments towards the former coordinating Minister/Minister of Finance, Dr. Okonjo-Iweala, the rapid aging and weariness of our current President Buhari, the Delta state governor and his conservative habits in sharing money, and the crucial need for state governments to generate their own interval revenue. We also centered on the Nigerian mindset, a hot topic among Nigerian diaspora everywhere. Quite an inciting conversation actually. 

I brought up an observation from the past year of life here- there’s a general acceptance of subjugation by those who senior you, or elders. If you look at the church structure, the reverend Father, priest, Pastor or Bishop gives instructions and you’re obliged to follow it. What is, infact, an obligation is translated to obedience to God; thereby restricting any form of rebellion. When the father of the house speaks, everybody shuts up including the woman, because whatever he says you must all do. When a man becomes the head of the house after marrying a woman, he’s boss in public, though all know that the woman runs the house, and like my father says, she’s the neck and the neck has the power to turn the head whichever way it pleases. When at the office you practically bow down to the ‘oga’, the boss, and subject yourself to any and every errand on which they send you, and you must be outta your mind to question him, and on rare occasions, ‘her- the madam.’ I think this mentality permeates the entire black African culture, from east to west. Given this deeply ingrained hierarchical system, I had an epiphany once upon a time- If the head is correct and applies the appropriate degree of force, they can pacify the entire body and move it any which way they desire. So does this mean that if the leaders of this country get it together, all of Nigeria will succumb on goodwill?! Somehow I doubt this, but live with a glimmer of hope that it is actually quite plausible. My doubt comes when I think of our own people and how our, at times, serious mischief causes pernicious results. It was as if the moral fabric of our existence as a country took on a precipitous decline and now it may take a generation to rectify the convolution. Reminds me of a case study on a Latin American country where the innovative mayor won the election on the stance of changing corruption. After recommendations by ‘experts’, he made a strenuous effort to implement them, only to incur an affront by the every people he tried to help. Let’s just say he was voted out by the next election cycle. See, it’s not only in Africa that such scenarios transpire:)

I’d say Dickson and I agreed that when someone wants to bring about effective, positive change especially in politics, the people reject the person contemptuously. We are messing up our own selves and our status quo should be attributed to poor self leadership first and foremost, then to leaders. Many have disagreed with this ideology, and rightfully so, while many have gisted the same gist time and again, and in the words of Professor Charles X: “Countless choices define our fate: each choice, each moment, a moment in the ripple of time. Enough ripple, and you change the tide... for the future is never truly set.”

Now back to work..