NAIJA MEN 1

I managed to write about all things but men in the past year, and deliberately so.  This topic deserves an entire book dedicated to it, so maybe this can serve as the beginning chapter. Naija is the nickname for Nigeria or its people. ‘Naija men’, a title given to dudes who hail from Nigeria that also elicits several varied responses and convoluted emotions, particularly from women. I hear phrases like:

Naija men no dey change o

All of them are the same

Naija men are very persistent; when you tell them NO, they hear ‘try harder’ thinking I’m playing hard to get

Where do I start with my experiences with naija men? They are extremely stylish, witty, charming and just make a lady wanna laugh with their comments. My mind is chalked full of memories of pick up lines, pursuits, endless waves of phone calls, persistence, persistence, hustlers, gentlemen, persistence, charmers, persistence, sweet talkers, and ‘by-force’ guys. When they see women with attractive features, whether in desirable height, shape or pure beauty, they go coocoo, and they ain’t afraid to make that known. The axiomatic truth is that Naija men give their hearts away all too quickly and easily. It’s unfathomable for me to conceive of seeing someone without having spoken a word to him, and just knowing that he’s very ok for me, even to the point of discussing marriage right there in all seriousness, but such is their case, proven time and again.

Just the other day I’m walking down the street obviously looking like I’m on mission to get somewhere and a man stops me.

Man: Excuse me, please I don’t mean to disturb you. Frances already knows where this is going. You can tell by that hazy look in their eyes. I am coming from Abuja and our car broke down. Thankfully we had a friend in Asaba, so we brought the car here and they’re repairing it now. I don’t know anyone in this town and just wanting to make a new friend, so can I have your number so I can be calling you and know that I have a friend here.

Me: But you just said you had a friend here and now you’re saying you know no one.. but that isn’t what came out of my mouth. But sir, clearly you see I don’t have your time because I already know you and I wont work at all. I’m not in the least bit attracted to you, you’re not my kinda guy. I don’t just give out my number and you’re definitely not getting it from me because you’ll be calling calling trying to cajole me into having something to do with you and then I’ll be avoiding your calls which will make you even more persistent, and I just cannot handle that annoyance. I really don’t wanna be having this conversation right now, so if you would excuse me while I jolly on. But I didn’t say that. Instead- Sir, I don’t give out my number and actually have somewhere to be right now.

Man: I won’t be disturbing you, just call every once in a while to say hi.

Me: You know, my guy doesn’t like me giving out my number anyhow.

I have tried different ways to dissuade them, and this line has worked 30% in the past (though a small lie), but then again you get the ensuing line..

Man: Well are you married? If I had someone like you in the house I wouldn’t let her leave the house or out of my sight. What’s your guy waiting for?

Me: (inner thought-Yeah!!! Good question. Then it dawns on me that I’m the one telling them ‘no’). Well, thank you for the compliment, but I am not interested.

Man: Ok, I respect that. Thank you

Sometimes the 'my guy wont like this' response is followed by, 'well you can still have a friend, there's nothing wrong with that. We allllll know friendship aint what you want, alright so just back off dude.

This episode ended on a good note. He only persisted twice after the No(s) and thanked me. Confounded by the typical male female relational dynamic in this land, I’ve questioned how to respectfully say no to onlookers and chasers, and maneuvered my way out of unsolicited pursuits. To dodge a naija dude takes mastery, and it is as if I’m making my way in obtaining my black belt in this art. Some have literally begged and to them I simply want to say ‘shame on you. Why would you make yourself so low that you’re nearly on your knees b.e.g.g.i.n.g. just for my number. Please stop. This is embarrassing for you’. I mean…seriously?!?!

More to come on this men series. Plenty more, I tell you.